[What is this even about anymore. Dennis isn't so sure anymore. He just knows he's angry and it's not fully even at Joe. It's mostly at himself and a bunch of things, but yes. Mostly himself.]
Fuck I just-- this is stupid. This is so fucking--
[He's getting way too worked up, almost like he's hyperventilating, gasping for air, and then trying to breathe out some to calm down. God he hates this. Why was it coming to this? He knows he didn't want this, not one bit.]
[ And just like that, it's like someone's flipped a switch. Maybe it's the sound of Dennis struggling to catch his breath that does it - it's a familiar sound, something he's witnessed in person when Dennis broke down over Joe unintentionally pushing him away.
Something he never wanted to be the cause of ever again.
His own breath catches for a second, almost like he's shocked or disgusted or disappointed in himself. He doesn't speak, not right away, but just listens to Dennis breathing. Joe wants to tell him he's okay, walk him through it like he did last time, but - this isn't the same. He's pretty sure Dennis is like ten seconds from hanging up on him anyway, and he wouldn't blame him. ]
[Thankfully he's not about to break down, but he's just so over this yelling and the anger. He hates this and he wants it to stop. It has to be his fault, right? Joe still doesn't think he's actually sorry, that he thinks he got a giggle out of this and he doesn't feel bad at all for what he did.
Well he's wrong, he totally wrong. Especially after Eggsy and Bliss got upset as well. He feels pretty rotten about it actually, but Joe tossed his apology back at him like it meant nothing at all. Sure it hadn't been the best of apologies, but that's not the point.]
L-Look I said I was sorry and I am and I mean it, alright? I mean it and ju-just, I don't want no more of this shouting and banging on anymore.
[His voice pitches a little higher, accentuating the fact he's clearly distressed and upset as well.]
M'sorry I was such a wanker and joked about all that, was stupid of me, but you don't believe me. You don't care--
[Or Joe cares because he cares. What does that even mean.]
[ All of this is Joe's fault, and this time he accepts that because it's true. Normally when things go to shit, people find a way to pin it on him, to place the blame on his shoulders even when he's got nothing to do with everything going wrong, but this— he knows he did this. He might not be too sure how, but -
Joe's quiet. He doesn't interrupt Dennis when he's speaking, his jaw tense and his teeth clenched together loosely as he listens to the way he stutters, the shift in the pitch of his voice, higher, strained. It's awful, and— Joe's not even sure what they're fighting anymore, because it's all so stupid.
You don't care—
He does interrupt then, because that's one thing he's sure of, one thing he knows in a sea of things he doesn't. ]
No, I care. I do care... [ Fuck. What else is he even supposed to say? He feels a little bit like an ass, now. ] Don't you get it? I'm— angry because I would care if you left, Den'...
[ He sighs. He's not good when it comes to talking about himself, about his feelings, but fuck if he isn't going to try right now. ]
That's not a joke to me. I just - I get that it was supposed to be funny or harmless or - I don't know. But you just - 'but whatever, i'm sorry' doesn't sound like - it sounds like you're saying it just to say it. And I know you mean it but it just didn't sound that way in all of -
[ In all of his sudden anger and anxiety that crashed into him int the ten seconds he honestly believed that Dennis was going home. And that all he was going to get was a network post with no warning. ]
[Joe thinks it's his fault, Dennis is sure it's his. Some how, isn't it always? He's not crying, but he's clearly not happy.]
What?
[Why does Joe keep doing that. It's like he can't even talk to him anymore. Always cutting himself off or not able to say things, which with how things have been going maybe that's his fault. No, it is. He made things like this, he just had to ask had to tell Joe how he felt. Everything was ruined, no matter how much Joe said it wouldn't change anything.
But it's his fault. Dennis knows he's done this to them, made it all a mess.]
I am sorry, m'sorry I ever said anything. Not just this. Wasn't thinking, didn't think right back then either. Thought a lot, just not how I should've and-- and s'all wrong now.
[Part of him doing this was some backwards bullshit of wanting to see if Joe would respond to it. Stupid, selfish and wrong, but he'd done it. Only right Joe should get mad, but he didn't think it'd end up like this.]
Shoulda just kept going as it were. Ruined such a fucking good thing and now I don't know how to fix it.
[And even as he says it, his tone is that of someone looking for an answer, from the man who he thinks he's pushed away and destroyed everything with. A bit backwards, but he is reaching out in his own way.]
[ Joe's inability to get the things that matter out of himself is not Dennis' fault. He's always been this way, unable to communicate when it's personal. He can talk to a room full of people about anything like it's nothing, but when it comes to himself, the words just don't come. Not in the order he needs them to, when he needs them to.
But Joe doesn't want this. He doesn't want the stress and the strain and the awkwardness between them, he doesn't want Dennis to hate him anymore. He's tired of fighting and he's tired of always fucking messing up.
Joe breathes out slowly. ]
... I don't know either, Dennis. You didn't do anything wrong by - telling me how you feel, though. I don't want you to think that. I [ Keep going, Joe. ] ... I really do care about you. I care about you a lot and none of this - we don't have to - we can just.
[ Fucking hell. Joe clenches his jaw for a second, tries to sort himself out. Briefly, he remembers trying to tell Cameron about Westgroup, how he'd stuttered and stumbled through everything. Granted, he'd been on drugs then, but this kind of feels the same way.]
[Joe's told him over and over that it's fine, they're still fine. Everything is good, nothing is wrong, but he keeps telling himself it is. Everything is wrong now. It's all wrong.
If he'd just listened in the beginning it wouldn't be this way... right? Even though Joe can't see it, he's shaking his head as he starts to talk.]
But why? Why'd you want to put up with someone like me? I'm just some kid who's acting mental about everything over and over and I keep doing this--
[He feels like Joe puts up with so much from him, he doesn't get why. Lot of other people wouldn't want to deal with this shit and he wouldn't blame them.]
I want things to be like they were.
[Before he gave too much of a shit, before it was more than just liking Joe, before he thought his feelings were a bad thing.]
[ If Joe was honest with himself, if he wasn't trying to protect Dennis or justify his reasoning for turning him down so much, this would be easier, but this is what he does. He complicates things without meaning to (and sometimes he complicates things on purpose), overthinks, and it lands him—
Here. In a mess, things always end in a mess. By now it's so common for Joe that it shouldn't even faze him anymore, but it does. With Dennis, it does.
Joe takes a moment to try and think, to figure out the whys. He's unusually quiet, almost silence save for the very faint sound of his breathing through the line. ]
... You say 'someone like me' like - like you're some kind of burden to me. Is that what you think? Because you're not. I wouldn't have gotten so - mad about you leaving or - or joking about leaving if you were.
[ He breathes out, thinks about what he wants to say next and chooses his words carefully. ]
Just because you told me you love me - that doesn't have to change anything. It— [ God, he just wants to hang up. This should be something they talk about in person, but he's not sure Dennis wants to see him at all, and he's got... other plans he's already committed to. ] It doesn't make me feel any less towards you.
[Its both of them, for various reasons. Dennis has complicated more than enough all on his own.]
Back home anyone woulda told me to piss off. People don't deal with me if they don't gotta.
[Or if they can use him. Course that thought has crossed his mind, but no... no why would Joe put so much effort into him just for that? That's stupid. Doesn't mean he hasn't thought it though. But what Joe says makes sense, he wouldn't have been upset if he didn't care.]
... I just... when I see you, when I'm with you I feel like a fool. Stupid idiot admitting he's in love with someone here?
[What an moron, right? What was he thinking.]
That wouldn't be weird for you? If it were you? Being around someone you love so much, knowing you made a fool've yourself in front of that person?
[ Back home, people walk away from Joe all the time, and that might have a lot to do with why Joe makes a point of not walking away from people when things are rocky or uncertain or questionable. It's gotten him into some pretty serious shit, admittedly - like, for instance, his divorce, though that had more to do with Cameron and the way she sabotaged Westgroup while making it look like it was him who was guilty, and less to do with the fact that he should have cut off all communication ages before that -, but that's his own issue to deal with.
So no. He's not like 'anyone' from where Dennis comes from, and he's not going to walk away from him for being upset. ]
You're not an idiot. You haven't made a fool of yourself.
[ Joe sighs, lifting his other hand to pinch the bridge of his nose and drag his fingers down a little. ]
... A long time ago, there was this man - Simon Church. We were seeing each other, and one night when we were in Europe he - told me he loved me.
[ This... is actually a little bit difficult to talk about. Simon Church has always messed him up, but it's even harder now that he knows Simon doesn't have a lot of time left. Hell, it's possible he's already passed away, and Joe would have no way of knowing about it. ]
And then the next morning, when I woke up, he was gone. I didn't see him again until a few years ago.
[ What's the point of this, Joe? ]
It was [ A rush of breath escapes him, a little bit loud into the phone. ] it was kind of like a punch in the gut. [ In the heart... ] I don't want to be like that, I don't want to just walk away. I don't want to be like Simon.
[For as much turmoil as they've had for a bit, Dennis will always appreciate that. That Joe has been so patient and kept trying. For him. People he's known for years have done a hell of a lot less.
As Joe opens up to him, trying to level with Dennis, to explain things... he feels his stomach twist. It's... god. He's Simon. He's fucking Simon. He did that to Joe, he did that exact thing to him.]
You're not, you ain't even close. I'm Simon, that's-- fucking hell.
[He told Joe he loved him and then the next morning he snuck out before Joe woke so he wouldn't have to deal with. Anything. Thinking only of himself and not thinking that it could hurt Joe as well. He's been so selfish, so fucking stupidly selfish.]
I ain't trying to hurt you Joe, swear it. I didn't even think... I just...
[ Oh, fuck. There he goes, putting his foot in his mouth again. That's not what he was trying to say at all, not what he was implying.
Dennis may have done the same exact thing to him that Simon did, and it fucking sucked when he woke up to that realization, but he wasn't trying to say that Dennis is just like Simon. The two of them are both very different from each other. ]
No, Dennis, that's not - I wasn't trying to say that you're like him, or that you're trying -
[ He has to stop for a second. Joe doesn't often admit when he's hurt, that he can be hurt, doesn't really own up to being vulnerable like that, and he's not really admitting it now, not directly, but it still makes him a little anxious. ]
- trying to hurt me. I know you're not. [ I hope you're not. ] I'm just trying to explain why I try so hard to be patient. Because I know what it feels like [ twice, now ] and I don't want to do that to you.
[They're different for sure. Simon left because he didn't think Joe would say he loved him back. Dennis knows for a fact Joe won't.]
You been nothing but good to me, always. I'm repaying you like this, m'sorry.
[And he sounds it, voice softening some, but still pitched higher, almost more a whine than not. At that point right before he could cry, but he's not going to. He doesn't want to end up a sobbing wreck on the phone at Joe. That's not fair to him, especially now.]
Don't wanna hurt you no more, not trying, but I am. Can- can I see you?
[Well... probably not, Dennis. Joe is going to be busy soon.]
[ This is literally the worst timing for all of this to be happening right now. Of all the Meet and Greet events for him to decide he needs to attend - because city administration is changing and that's an important thing to be aware of when the responsibility of carrying out everyone's incentives is being passed on to someone new.
Especially when he's very heavily contemplating whether or not he still wants his original incentive granted at all.
His mouth suddenly feels a little dry. ]
I... right now? I've— [ Fuck, he's the worst person on the planet. ] I've got some things I need to take care of right now, but... later. I can see you later tonight.
[Dennis hasn't been to one of those since... Halloween. Or the one near then. He can't remember exactly, just that he got super drunk and made out furiously with Joe and they got hot and bothered and he probably begged Joe to fuck him right then and there in the maze.
Bless Joe he had the restraint and respect to not do that, not even when they got to Dennis' place later on. Joe is too good to him. Too good for him.]
Y-Yeah... later.
[There's a sniff, but then he's breathing in, breathing out, a little shaky, but he's okay. He's okay he's got this.]
Joe... if I ever wanted to leave, I'd let you know. You'd be the first. Days, weeks ahead. I wouldn't just disappear on you. Promise.
[ Joe's... probably not good for anyone, so he's certainly not too good. He's trying, though, he really is. To be a better person than he used to be, a better man, even if so far he's been nothing but shit at it when it comes to everything with Dennis.
There's a weird heaviness that settles in his chest when he hears Dennis sniff. He's not sure if he's crying, but it's close enough and the idea that he might be twists him up a little inside. He listens to him breath, listens to him trying to keep himself calm. ]
... Yeah. [ There's another extended pause here. He wants to say that he that when he leaves, he'll tell Dennis too, but - he's not sure it's a when anymore, so all he says instead is: ] Me too.
[ Dennis can't see it, but Joe cards his fingers through his hair, his fingers splayed across the back of his head. ]
I'll call you... tonight. Is that okay? I won't be that late.
[He's not crying, he won't allow himself to. He's never really been ashamed of crying before, but he feels like he does it so much around Joe that it's probably become ridiculous at this point. He doesn't want to make Joe feel sorry for him, he doesn't want to make him feel guilty. Not anymore, now that he's realized that's what he's been doing all along.
So he answers with a soft noise of confirmation. That's fine, Joe can call him, he'll be awake, no doubt for quite a while.]
[ As much as he hates to do this, as much as the timing of all of this is total shit, he's already running a little bit late. He's not too upset about it, but the changing of city representatives is a fairly important thing, now that he's been thinking about changing his incentive to something a lot more serious than stopping some asshole from stealing his design. He needs to know who's in charge, who he needs to talk to, who he can trust to make sure he gets exactly what he wants.
Once he figures out what that is, anyway.
He does want to see Dennis, though. He means that. ]
[Late? He doesn't want to know right now. Whatever it was, Joe could handle it and they could talk later. In person or not. It's not a proper goodbye, but he hesitates on saying more than that, before hanging up]
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[Well, luckily they're both yelling now so. Joe's already doing what he wants, kind of.]
I don't know shit unless you tell me!
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[What is this even about anymore. Dennis isn't so sure anymore. He just knows he's angry and it's not fully even at Joe. It's mostly at himself and a bunch of things, but yes. Mostly himself.]
Fuck I just-- this is stupid. This is so fucking--
[He's getting way too worked up, almost like he's hyperventilating, gasping for air, and then trying to breathe out some to calm down. God he hates this. Why was it coming to this? He knows he didn't want this, not one bit.]
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Something he never wanted to be the cause of ever again.
His own breath catches for a second, almost like he's shocked or disgusted or disappointed in himself. He doesn't speak, not right away, but just listens to Dennis breathing. Joe wants to tell him he's okay, walk him through it like he did last time, but - this isn't the same. He's pretty sure Dennis is like ten seconds from hanging up on him anyway, and he wouldn't blame him. ]
—H-hey...
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Well he's wrong, he totally wrong. Especially after Eggsy and Bliss got upset as well. He feels pretty rotten about it actually, but Joe tossed his apology back at him like it meant nothing at all. Sure it hadn't been the best of apologies, but that's not the point.]
L-Look I said I was sorry and I am and I mean it, alright? I mean it and ju-just, I don't want no more of this shouting and banging on anymore.
[His voice pitches a little higher, accentuating the fact he's clearly distressed and upset as well.]
M'sorry I was such a wanker and joked about all that, was stupid of me, but you don't believe me. You don't care--
[Or Joe cares because he cares. What does that even mean.]
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Joe's quiet. He doesn't interrupt Dennis when he's speaking, his jaw tense and his teeth clenched together loosely as he listens to the way he stutters, the shift in the pitch of his voice, higher, strained. It's awful, and— Joe's not even sure what they're fighting anymore, because it's all so stupid.
You don't care—
He does interrupt then, because that's one thing he's sure of, one thing he knows in a sea of things he doesn't. ]
No, I care. I do care... [ Fuck. What else is he even supposed to say? He feels a little bit like an ass, now. ] Don't you get it? I'm— angry because I would care if you left, Den'...
[ He sighs. He's not good when it comes to talking about himself, about his feelings, but fuck if he isn't going to try right now. ]
That's not a joke to me. I just - I get that it was supposed to be funny or harmless or - I don't know. But you just - 'but whatever, i'm sorry' doesn't sound like - it sounds like you're saying it just to say it. And I know you mean it but it just didn't sound that way in all of -
[ In all of his sudden anger and anxiety that crashed into him int the ten seconds he honestly believed that Dennis was going home. And that all he was going to get was a network post with no warning. ]
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What?
[Why does Joe keep doing that. It's like he can't even talk to him anymore. Always cutting himself off or not able to say things, which with how things have been going maybe that's his fault. No, it is. He made things like this, he just had to ask had to tell Joe how he felt. Everything was ruined, no matter how much Joe said it wouldn't change anything.
But it's his fault. Dennis knows he's done this to them, made it all a mess.]
I am sorry, m'sorry I ever said anything. Not just this. Wasn't thinking, didn't think right back then either. Thought a lot, just not how I should've and-- and s'all wrong now.
[Part of him doing this was some backwards bullshit of wanting to see if Joe would respond to it. Stupid, selfish and wrong, but he'd done it. Only right Joe should get mad, but he didn't think it'd end up like this.]
Shoulda just kept going as it were. Ruined such a fucking good thing and now I don't know how to fix it.
[And even as he says it, his tone is that of someone looking for an answer, from the man who he thinks he's pushed away and destroyed everything with. A bit backwards, but he is reaching out in his own way.]
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But Joe doesn't want this. He doesn't want the stress and the strain and the awkwardness between them, he doesn't want Dennis to hate him anymore. He's tired of fighting and he's tired of always fucking messing up.
Joe breathes out slowly. ]
... I don't know either, Dennis. You didn't do anything wrong by - telling me how you feel, though. I don't want you to think that. I [ Keep going, Joe. ] ... I really do care about you. I care about you a lot and none of this - we don't have to - we can just.
[ Fucking hell. Joe clenches his jaw for a second, tries to sort himself out. Briefly, he remembers trying to tell Cameron about Westgroup, how he'd stuttered and stumbled through everything. Granted, he'd been on drugs then, but this kind of feels the same way.]
It can still be good. We can still be good.
[ Just fucking tell him you love him. ]
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If he'd just listened in the beginning it wouldn't be this way... right? Even though Joe can't see it, he's shaking his head as he starts to talk.]
But why? Why'd you want to put up with someone like me? I'm just some kid who's acting mental about everything over and over and I keep doing this--
[He feels like Joe puts up with so much from him, he doesn't get why. Lot of other people wouldn't want to deal with this shit and he wouldn't blame them.]
I want things to be like they were.
[Before he gave too much of a shit, before it was more than just liking Joe, before he thought his feelings were a bad thing.]
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Here. In a mess, things always end in a mess. By now it's so common for Joe that it shouldn't even faze him anymore, but it does. With Dennis, it does.
Joe takes a moment to try and think, to figure out the whys. He's unusually quiet, almost silence save for the very faint sound of his breathing through the line. ]
... You say 'someone like me' like - like you're some kind of burden to me. Is that what you think? Because you're not. I wouldn't have gotten so - mad about you leaving or - or joking about leaving if you were.
[ He breathes out, thinks about what he wants to say next and chooses his words carefully. ]
Just because you told me you love me - that doesn't have to change anything. It— [ God, he just wants to hang up. This should be something they talk about in person, but he's not sure Dennis wants to see him at all, and he's got... other plans he's already committed to. ] It doesn't make me feel any less towards you.
So why can't things be like they were?
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Back home anyone woulda told me to piss off. People don't deal with me if they don't gotta.
[Or if they can use him. Course that thought has crossed his mind, but no... no why would Joe put so much effort into him just for that? That's stupid. Doesn't mean he hasn't thought it though. But what Joe says makes sense, he wouldn't have been upset if he didn't care.]
... I just... when I see you, when I'm with you I feel like a fool. Stupid idiot admitting he's in love with someone here?
[What an moron, right? What was he thinking.]
That wouldn't be weird for you? If it were you? Being around someone you love so much, knowing you made a fool've yourself in front of that person?
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So no. He's not like 'anyone' from where Dennis comes from, and he's not going to walk away from him for being upset. ]
You're not an idiot. You haven't made a fool of yourself.
[ Joe sighs, lifting his other hand to pinch the bridge of his nose and drag his fingers down a little. ]
... A long time ago, there was this man - Simon Church. We were seeing each other, and one night when we were in Europe he - told me he loved me.
[ This... is actually a little bit difficult to talk about. Simon Church has always messed him up, but it's even harder now that he knows Simon doesn't have a lot of time left. Hell, it's possible he's already passed away, and Joe would have no way of knowing about it. ]
And then the next morning, when I woke up, he was gone. I didn't see him again until a few years ago.
[ What's the point of this, Joe? ]
It was [ A rush of breath escapes him, a little bit loud into the phone. ] it was kind of like a punch in the gut. [ In the heart... ] I don't want to be like that, I don't want to just walk away. I don't want to be like Simon.
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As Joe opens up to him, trying to level with Dennis, to explain things... he feels his stomach twist. It's... god. He's Simon. He's fucking Simon. He did that to Joe, he did that exact thing to him.]
You're not, you ain't even close. I'm Simon, that's-- fucking hell.
[He told Joe he loved him and then the next morning he snuck out before Joe woke so he wouldn't have to deal with. Anything. Thinking only of himself and not thinking that it could hurt Joe as well. He's been so selfish, so fucking stupidly selfish.]
I ain't trying to hurt you Joe, swear it. I didn't even think... I just...
[God. He's the worst.]
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Dennis may have done the same exact thing to him that Simon did, and it fucking sucked when he woke up to that realization, but he wasn't trying to say that Dennis is just like Simon. The two of them are both very different from each other. ]
No, Dennis, that's not - I wasn't trying to say that you're like him, or that you're trying -
[ He has to stop for a second. Joe doesn't often admit when he's hurt, that he can be hurt, doesn't really own up to being vulnerable like that, and he's not really admitting it now, not directly, but it still makes him a little anxious. ]
- trying to hurt me. I know you're not. [ I hope you're not. ] I'm just trying to explain why I try so hard to be patient. Because I know what it feels like [ twice, now ] and I don't want to do that to you.
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You been nothing but good to me, always. I'm repaying you like this, m'sorry.
[And he sounds it, voice softening some, but still pitched higher, almost more a whine than not. At that point right before he could cry, but he's not going to. He doesn't want to end up a sobbing wreck on the phone at Joe. That's not fair to him, especially now.]
Don't wanna hurt you no more, not trying, but I am. Can- can I see you?
[Well... probably not, Dennis. Joe is going to be busy soon.]
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Especially when he's very heavily contemplating whether or not he still wants his original incentive granted at all.
His mouth suddenly feels a little dry. ]
I... right now? I've— [ Fuck, he's the worst person on the planet. ] I've got some things I need to take care of right now, but... later. I can see you later tonight.
[ Joe wets his lips. Should he just... not go? ]
I promise.
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Bless Joe he had the restraint and respect to not do that, not even when they got to Dennis' place later on. Joe is too good to him. Too good for him.]
Y-Yeah... later.
[There's a sniff, but then he's breathing in, breathing out, a little shaky, but he's okay. He's okay he's got this.]
Joe... if I ever wanted to leave, I'd let you know. You'd be the first. Days, weeks ahead. I wouldn't just disappear on you. Promise.
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There's a weird heaviness that settles in his chest when he hears Dennis sniff. He's not sure if he's crying, but it's close enough and the idea that he might be twists him up a little inside. He listens to him breath, listens to him trying to keep himself calm. ]
... Yeah. [ There's another extended pause here. He wants to say that he that when he leaves, he'll tell Dennis too, but - he's not sure it's a when anymore, so all he says instead is: ] Me too.
[ Dennis can't see it, but Joe cards his fingers through his hair, his fingers splayed across the back of his head. ]
I'll call you... tonight. Is that okay? I won't be that late.
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So he answers with a soft noise of confirmation. That's fine, Joe can call him, he'll be awake, no doubt for quite a while.]
Okay. I'll keep my phone with me.
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Once he figures out what that is, anyway.
He does want to see Dennis, though. He means that. ]
Okay... good. [ A pause. ] Listen, Den', I've— I'm already late...
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[Late? He doesn't want to know right now. Whatever it was, Joe could handle it and they could talk later. In person or not. It's not a proper goodbye, but he hesitates on saying more than that, before hanging up]
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[ But that's all he can get out before the dial tone interrupts him.
Oh.
:( ]