[Its both of them, for various reasons. Dennis has complicated more than enough all on his own.]
Back home anyone woulda told me to piss off. People don't deal with me if they don't gotta.
[Or if they can use him. Course that thought has crossed his mind, but no... no why would Joe put so much effort into him just for that? That's stupid. Doesn't mean he hasn't thought it though. But what Joe says makes sense, he wouldn't have been upset if he didn't care.]
... I just... when I see you, when I'm with you I feel like a fool. Stupid idiot admitting he's in love with someone here?
[What an moron, right? What was he thinking.]
That wouldn't be weird for you? If it were you? Being around someone you love so much, knowing you made a fool've yourself in front of that person?
[ Back home, people walk away from Joe all the time, and that might have a lot to do with why Joe makes a point of not walking away from people when things are rocky or uncertain or questionable. It's gotten him into some pretty serious shit, admittedly - like, for instance, his divorce, though that had more to do with Cameron and the way she sabotaged Westgroup while making it look like it was him who was guilty, and less to do with the fact that he should have cut off all communication ages before that -, but that's his own issue to deal with.
So no. He's not like 'anyone' from where Dennis comes from, and he's not going to walk away from him for being upset. ]
You're not an idiot. You haven't made a fool of yourself.
[ Joe sighs, lifting his other hand to pinch the bridge of his nose and drag his fingers down a little. ]
... A long time ago, there was this man - Simon Church. We were seeing each other, and one night when we were in Europe he - told me he loved me.
[ This... is actually a little bit difficult to talk about. Simon Church has always messed him up, but it's even harder now that he knows Simon doesn't have a lot of time left. Hell, it's possible he's already passed away, and Joe would have no way of knowing about it. ]
And then the next morning, when I woke up, he was gone. I didn't see him again until a few years ago.
[ What's the point of this, Joe? ]
It was [ A rush of breath escapes him, a little bit loud into the phone. ] it was kind of like a punch in the gut. [ In the heart... ] I don't want to be like that, I don't want to just walk away. I don't want to be like Simon.
[For as much turmoil as they've had for a bit, Dennis will always appreciate that. That Joe has been so patient and kept trying. For him. People he's known for years have done a hell of a lot less.
As Joe opens up to him, trying to level with Dennis, to explain things... he feels his stomach twist. It's... god. He's Simon. He's fucking Simon. He did that to Joe, he did that exact thing to him.]
You're not, you ain't even close. I'm Simon, that's-- fucking hell.
[He told Joe he loved him and then the next morning he snuck out before Joe woke so he wouldn't have to deal with. Anything. Thinking only of himself and not thinking that it could hurt Joe as well. He's been so selfish, so fucking stupidly selfish.]
I ain't trying to hurt you Joe, swear it. I didn't even think... I just...
[ Oh, fuck. There he goes, putting his foot in his mouth again. That's not what he was trying to say at all, not what he was implying.
Dennis may have done the same exact thing to him that Simon did, and it fucking sucked when he woke up to that realization, but he wasn't trying to say that Dennis is just like Simon. The two of them are both very different from each other. ]
No, Dennis, that's not - I wasn't trying to say that you're like him, or that you're trying -
[ He has to stop for a second. Joe doesn't often admit when he's hurt, that he can be hurt, doesn't really own up to being vulnerable like that, and he's not really admitting it now, not directly, but it still makes him a little anxious. ]
- trying to hurt me. I know you're not. [ I hope you're not. ] I'm just trying to explain why I try so hard to be patient. Because I know what it feels like [ twice, now ] and I don't want to do that to you.
[They're different for sure. Simon left because he didn't think Joe would say he loved him back. Dennis knows for a fact Joe won't.]
You been nothing but good to me, always. I'm repaying you like this, m'sorry.
[And he sounds it, voice softening some, but still pitched higher, almost more a whine than not. At that point right before he could cry, but he's not going to. He doesn't want to end up a sobbing wreck on the phone at Joe. That's not fair to him, especially now.]
Don't wanna hurt you no more, not trying, but I am. Can- can I see you?
[Well... probably not, Dennis. Joe is going to be busy soon.]
[ This is literally the worst timing for all of this to be happening right now. Of all the Meet and Greet events for him to decide he needs to attend - because city administration is changing and that's an important thing to be aware of when the responsibility of carrying out everyone's incentives is being passed on to someone new.
Especially when he's very heavily contemplating whether or not he still wants his original incentive granted at all.
His mouth suddenly feels a little dry. ]
I... right now? I've— [ Fuck, he's the worst person on the planet. ] I've got some things I need to take care of right now, but... later. I can see you later tonight.
[Dennis hasn't been to one of those since... Halloween. Or the one near then. He can't remember exactly, just that he got super drunk and made out furiously with Joe and they got hot and bothered and he probably begged Joe to fuck him right then and there in the maze.
Bless Joe he had the restraint and respect to not do that, not even when they got to Dennis' place later on. Joe is too good to him. Too good for him.]
Y-Yeah... later.
[There's a sniff, but then he's breathing in, breathing out, a little shaky, but he's okay. He's okay he's got this.]
Joe... if I ever wanted to leave, I'd let you know. You'd be the first. Days, weeks ahead. I wouldn't just disappear on you. Promise.
[ Joe's... probably not good for anyone, so he's certainly not too good. He's trying, though, he really is. To be a better person than he used to be, a better man, even if so far he's been nothing but shit at it when it comes to everything with Dennis.
There's a weird heaviness that settles in his chest when he hears Dennis sniff. He's not sure if he's crying, but it's close enough and the idea that he might be twists him up a little inside. He listens to him breath, listens to him trying to keep himself calm. ]
... Yeah. [ There's another extended pause here. He wants to say that he that when he leaves, he'll tell Dennis too, but - he's not sure it's a when anymore, so all he says instead is: ] Me too.
[ Dennis can't see it, but Joe cards his fingers through his hair, his fingers splayed across the back of his head. ]
I'll call you... tonight. Is that okay? I won't be that late.
[He's not crying, he won't allow himself to. He's never really been ashamed of crying before, but he feels like he does it so much around Joe that it's probably become ridiculous at this point. He doesn't want to make Joe feel sorry for him, he doesn't want to make him feel guilty. Not anymore, now that he's realized that's what he's been doing all along.
So he answers with a soft noise of confirmation. That's fine, Joe can call him, he'll be awake, no doubt for quite a while.]
[ As much as he hates to do this, as much as the timing of all of this is total shit, he's already running a little bit late. He's not too upset about it, but the changing of city representatives is a fairly important thing, now that he's been thinking about changing his incentive to something a lot more serious than stopping some asshole from stealing his design. He needs to know who's in charge, who he needs to talk to, who he can trust to make sure he gets exactly what he wants.
Once he figures out what that is, anyway.
He does want to see Dennis, though. He means that. ]
[Late? He doesn't want to know right now. Whatever it was, Joe could handle it and they could talk later. In person or not. It's not a proper goodbye, but he hesitates on saying more than that, before hanging up]
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no subject
Back home anyone woulda told me to piss off. People don't deal with me if they don't gotta.
[Or if they can use him. Course that thought has crossed his mind, but no... no why would Joe put so much effort into him just for that? That's stupid. Doesn't mean he hasn't thought it though. But what Joe says makes sense, he wouldn't have been upset if he didn't care.]
... I just... when I see you, when I'm with you I feel like a fool. Stupid idiot admitting he's in love with someone here?
[What an moron, right? What was he thinking.]
That wouldn't be weird for you? If it were you? Being around someone you love so much, knowing you made a fool've yourself in front of that person?
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So no. He's not like 'anyone' from where Dennis comes from, and he's not going to walk away from him for being upset. ]
You're not an idiot. You haven't made a fool of yourself.
[ Joe sighs, lifting his other hand to pinch the bridge of his nose and drag his fingers down a little. ]
... A long time ago, there was this man - Simon Church. We were seeing each other, and one night when we were in Europe he - told me he loved me.
[ This... is actually a little bit difficult to talk about. Simon Church has always messed him up, but it's even harder now that he knows Simon doesn't have a lot of time left. Hell, it's possible he's already passed away, and Joe would have no way of knowing about it. ]
And then the next morning, when I woke up, he was gone. I didn't see him again until a few years ago.
[ What's the point of this, Joe? ]
It was [ A rush of breath escapes him, a little bit loud into the phone. ] it was kind of like a punch in the gut. [ In the heart... ] I don't want to be like that, I don't want to just walk away. I don't want to be like Simon.
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As Joe opens up to him, trying to level with Dennis, to explain things... he feels his stomach twist. It's... god. He's Simon. He's fucking Simon. He did that to Joe, he did that exact thing to him.]
You're not, you ain't even close. I'm Simon, that's-- fucking hell.
[He told Joe he loved him and then the next morning he snuck out before Joe woke so he wouldn't have to deal with. Anything. Thinking only of himself and not thinking that it could hurt Joe as well. He's been so selfish, so fucking stupidly selfish.]
I ain't trying to hurt you Joe, swear it. I didn't even think... I just...
[God. He's the worst.]
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Dennis may have done the same exact thing to him that Simon did, and it fucking sucked when he woke up to that realization, but he wasn't trying to say that Dennis is just like Simon. The two of them are both very different from each other. ]
No, Dennis, that's not - I wasn't trying to say that you're like him, or that you're trying -
[ He has to stop for a second. Joe doesn't often admit when he's hurt, that he can be hurt, doesn't really own up to being vulnerable like that, and he's not really admitting it now, not directly, but it still makes him a little anxious. ]
- trying to hurt me. I know you're not. [ I hope you're not. ] I'm just trying to explain why I try so hard to be patient. Because I know what it feels like [ twice, now ] and I don't want to do that to you.
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You been nothing but good to me, always. I'm repaying you like this, m'sorry.
[And he sounds it, voice softening some, but still pitched higher, almost more a whine than not. At that point right before he could cry, but he's not going to. He doesn't want to end up a sobbing wreck on the phone at Joe. That's not fair to him, especially now.]
Don't wanna hurt you no more, not trying, but I am. Can- can I see you?
[Well... probably not, Dennis. Joe is going to be busy soon.]
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Especially when he's very heavily contemplating whether or not he still wants his original incentive granted at all.
His mouth suddenly feels a little dry. ]
I... right now? I've— [ Fuck, he's the worst person on the planet. ] I've got some things I need to take care of right now, but... later. I can see you later tonight.
[ Joe wets his lips. Should he just... not go? ]
I promise.
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Bless Joe he had the restraint and respect to not do that, not even when they got to Dennis' place later on. Joe is too good to him. Too good for him.]
Y-Yeah... later.
[There's a sniff, but then he's breathing in, breathing out, a little shaky, but he's okay. He's okay he's got this.]
Joe... if I ever wanted to leave, I'd let you know. You'd be the first. Days, weeks ahead. I wouldn't just disappear on you. Promise.
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There's a weird heaviness that settles in his chest when he hears Dennis sniff. He's not sure if he's crying, but it's close enough and the idea that he might be twists him up a little inside. He listens to him breath, listens to him trying to keep himself calm. ]
... Yeah. [ There's another extended pause here. He wants to say that he that when he leaves, he'll tell Dennis too, but - he's not sure it's a when anymore, so all he says instead is: ] Me too.
[ Dennis can't see it, but Joe cards his fingers through his hair, his fingers splayed across the back of his head. ]
I'll call you... tonight. Is that okay? I won't be that late.
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So he answers with a soft noise of confirmation. That's fine, Joe can call him, he'll be awake, no doubt for quite a while.]
Okay. I'll keep my phone with me.
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Once he figures out what that is, anyway.
He does want to see Dennis, though. He means that. ]
Okay... good. [ A pause. ] Listen, Den', I've— I'm already late...
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[Late? He doesn't want to know right now. Whatever it was, Joe could handle it and they could talk later. In person or not. It's not a proper goodbye, but he hesitates on saying more than that, before hanging up]
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[ But that's all he can get out before the dial tone interrupts him.
Oh.
:( ]